My boss is so cheap. Do you know what he gave me for Xmas? A Coffee Bag. For Secretary’s Day? A Mug. I gave it back to him on Bosses Day, in a surefooted upward enema motion.

The Xmas party is when someone finally asks, “How long has your boss been drinking like that?” My boss after 6 martinis looks at the Xmas tree and asks, “How many years ago did we plant that tree in that floor.”

As a Woman general contractor, we are constantly fighting for respect. The last time people cared about respecting me was when I was a dishing out a cooked lunch for all the subs... And the next time they will care about me is when I die and come back as a football player.

We have been partners for 45 years…but that has been out of spite.

They say architects or engineers who have partners live longer. It just seems longer.

Drugs for the Industry

Procrastin - a designer drug given to individuals slow in producing critical documents. Procrastin works by attacking inhibitor cells while accelerating the production of adrenalin and guilt in brain cells and not allowing the individual to sleep until the documents are produced.

Ragamet - When consensus is not available, administer to a poor performer. It will provide the same irritation as ragging on him all week, saving the manager the time and trouble of doing it.

QC - A quality control committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

The cost of surviving is going up. The chances of surviving are going down.

They have a DIAL a PRAYER for EPA officials now. You dial and it rings, and rings, and rings but nobody will answer. Eventually, it forwards you to another line where it beeps before you can leave a message.

Derrick Operator - They know he was going to drive derricks one day. In math class at school he could never find the shortest distance between two points.